Do you “pick” your child’s friends?
Miss Smarty Pants is a sweet and caring little girl. She’s also so nice she just won’t stand her ground. Starting in kindergarten she became friends with a little girl that is… how can I put this nicely? She’s rude, mean, likes to bicker, and she’s very possessive. She is raised differently than how I raise my daughter and it shows in every possible way. She could potentially be a nice little girl but her mother doesn’t notice her behavior because she says “all little girls are like this.” She also tends to baby her daughter as she’s her only child and she’s a single mother. I get along with the mother just fine, I can understand where she’s coming from.
This little girl has made my daughter feel like she can’t play with other children. My daughter having the personality that she does and not wanting to be a problem starter, won’t stand her ground at all.
Numerous times this little girl has taught my daughter songs that we don’t let her listen to, such as “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry and “When I grow up” by the PussyCat dolls.
In fact, this situation got so out of hand in the first grade that my daughter’s teacher noticed and made sure they were in separate classes in the second grade. She wanted my daughter to be able to make other friends.. but recess comes around and the kids still all go out at the same time. I’m not sure what good it did.
I’ve tried to teach my daughter what being a good and true friend is and I’ve talked to her about playing with other children besides this little girl. I don’t feel like there’s a nice way to tell her I don’t want her playing with this child and I’d hate to make the little girl feel bad. I secretly hope that one day they’ll just go their separate ways but it’s been 2 and a half years of this and it’s getting on my last nerves. It’s almost like the Mean Girls movie but for elementary age girls, I’m not exaggerating!
My question is this, where do you draw the line? Do you have certain children you won’t let your kids play with? Do you have some tried and true advice you’d like to share on how to handle a situation like this?
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Be Busy! There is nothing you can do about their time together at school but you can be sure to be “busy” when play dates arrise and parties are planned. You are doing great. Steer her in the right direction and hope for the best. Your doing a great job!
This is a tough one. This is our first year in preschool and luckily I do like the kids MH is friends with, as well as what I’ve met of their parents. I do fear, though, that there will come a time when I have less control in an integrated environment.
I like what Carole said – you can’t control what happens at school (kudos to the teacher who made sure they were in different classes!). I would continue to talk to your little girl about the importance of many friends and liking our friends for different reasons. Then find some nice moms and try to get feedback from your daughter on their kids. And make sure to reitterate that friends who tell you not to be friends with other people are not great friends! Good luck!
Perhaps invite some different girls over for playdates so she can get to know them better and be more apt to play with them at recess? I’d tread carefully. I have a story similar…when I was gorwing up my very best friend was a year younger than me and lived across the street. One day at recess she told me she couldn’t play with me because her mom wanted her to play with other people because she saw me enough at home. At 8 years old, it hurt like hell. The other ladies have given great advice, though.
Such a tough situation. My oldest had a friend like that that lived across the street from us. We were friends with her parents so we would hang out a lot, too, which didn’t help matters.
It was hard because the way she treated my daughter really affected her self-esteem. She made her feel like she wasn’t cool or hip enough and my daughter was always trying to emulate her (and she was not the kind of friend I wanted her to emulate).
I think the fact that you talk to your daughter is a huge plus. As far as controlling who your children associate with, I have tried to do that more with my younger two.
But, sometimes it just can’t be avoided. Like in school (for some…we homeschool so that’s not an issue for us) or in the neighborhood.
In those situations, I think talking them through it is the best we can do. And sometimes, even that doesn’t do all we’d like it to (it’s worked better for my youngest daughter than it did for my oldest).
Just keep reminding her to be proud of who she is, to stand up for herself if need be (advice that did take with my oldest), what it means to be a good friend, etc. That would be my advice.
Good luck! She’s already ahead of the game by having a mom like you who loves her and cares.
My mom teaches elementary age kids and has mentioned how the attitudes of some kids is getting worse and worse, more resembling high schoolers than six year olds. I think a lot of the ladies have offered great advice.
Does your daughter participate in any out of school activities? Sports, dance classes, craft classes, etc could be a great way to get her interacting with other kids while this little girl isn’t there to influence her. Sports are also a great way to teach about sportsmanship, and may help your daughter to see that this little girl isn’t the type of person she wants to be friends with.
You sound like you’re doing all you can, and you seem to be keeping communication open with her, which is one of the most important things! I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully things will work out!
When my kids were little I wouldn’t let them play with our next door neighbor’s kids for about two years.
I had these children in my home twice, and both times the kids were rude, disrespectful and disobedient. They were rude to me in my own home and talked back.
Their mom could not get them to behave and mind her either. So I had to tell her that I was sorry, but that I couldn’t have her children over until they could learn to be respectful in my home.
After a couple of years, they got older and we tried it again. This time they were very respectful.
We homeschool so we won’t have some of those problems but my friend’s daughter (17) has had a very similar “friendship” like you described. She had a jealous, possessive bossy friend.
At such a young age it is hard to stand up for yourself. That’s why it’s o.k. for parents to intervene when necessary, I think.