Children and Disappointment: What to say and do without causing a tantrum? Guest Post By Sharon Silver
Most parents hear this as they walk into a store, “I want a toy, I want gum, I want this doll.” When children are begging for stuff most of us feel embarrassed and will do almost anything to make it stop. Did you know that how you react is the key to stopping this and how you react has more to do with your childhood than how your child is behaving? Think back to when you were a child, how did your parents handle the exact same situation? When adults begin thinking of what to do and say in situations like this our minds unconsciously pull forward from what we experienced as a child and out of our mouth it comes. This is the moment when you have to decide whether you want to repeat the same way of dealing with this that your parents used or make a shift and use a different way? Here are some ideas to help.
• It’s not about avoiding what disappoints a child or avoiding what tips off a tantrum.
No one can avoid disappointments in life, including children. Most parents want to shut down an embarrassing situation right now and move on. The problem is the child gets shut down too and is left with disappointed feelings and that can quickly turn into anger and resentment. The key to handling this is to talk about feelings and show him how to manage his desire for the toy, gum or doll. Teach him how to save for what he wants. You could chip in half and allow him to earn the rest by doing things around the house. This is a great life lesson and also stops entitled behavior.
• Sometimes changing the words you use is all it takes.
Most young children have a hard time answering the question “why are you so upset?” They’re uncomfortable because they’re new to feelings and think feelings happen to them and are out of their control, they don’t know feelings live inside of them. Try, “what does your heart have to say about this?” They can imagine what their heart feels, but don’t understand how feelings work yet.
• What if your child doesn’t have an answer?
Model how to express feelings in front of him. Let your child overhear you say things like, “My heart was upset and hurt when Sally said that to me.“ Or “My heart feels sad because I can’t find my special box.” This teaches him how to begin expressing feelings.
• Try helping your child see the bigger picture and learn what to do with his desire to have what he wants.
Try, “What would make this better?” Most kids will respond with something like “buy it for me will make it all better.” Or they may say, “ice cream will do it.” No need to give in, try this, “One day we’ll do that. Can you tell me what we could do now, without buying gum, to make things better? Maybe a hug, one last look without crying, what do you think would work?” If he chooses to look one more time but begins begging, pick him up and move on without further discussion. When he calms remind him he agreed to look with no crying and that’s why you moved on. Asking him his opinion about how to make this better shows him you believe in his ability to work this out. Make sure one day soon you actually surprise him and stop for ice cream or he’ll stop trusting your words. Kids are very literal and will remind you, “You said one day we would stop for ice cream!”
Or try saying, “Do you want the gum bad enough for me to put it on your wish list?”
• What’s a wish list?
Purchase a small notebook to keep with you at all times. Record the wishes of the things your child can’t have today and don’t worry about doing this if he’s still a bit upset. Most children will let go of the request sooner when they see their wish was recorded and stored in your scared purse. These tips won’t completely stop a child from being disappointed but it will begin teaching him how to manage it.
Sharon Silver is the founder of ProActive Parenting, www.proactiveparenting.net helping parents to Stop Reacting & Start Responding. Sharon hosts an online TV show called Ask Me on MomTV.com and a Radio show called Getting to the Heart of the Matter on Toginet radio.com. Join us on twitter @proactvparentng & facebook @Sharon.ProActiveParenting.Tips.
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